“Dolby’s 10 Worst Songs of All Time”

Pat Benatar – “Heartbreaker”

Apparently they were serving coke in the school cafeteria where Pat Benatar went to high school, and not the kind you drink — sort of like listening to a screeching weasel with no sense of climax.

Big Sean – “I Don’t Fu** with You” feat. E-40

E-40? Are you in there? Anywhere? Could you please come save this track from like walrus-upchuck territory? Oh that’s right, you’re busy out spending that check Big Sean gave you for you to attach your name to this pathetic dog-sh** hissy fit.

David Bowie – “Changes”

Hey guys, David Bowie got his tricycle run over when he’s three. This is no laughing matter. He’s a very delicate child. I mean how would you like it if you were a hopeless talentless flaming jacka** with a different hairdo every week? Think of all the mousse you’d go through!

Gin Blossoms – “Until I Fall away”

This guy sings like he’s doing scales for his sixth grade music teacher.

Jefferson Airplane – “Somebody to Love”

Every time I hear this song I just want to find a hippie and… and… tell him his Birkenstocks are out of fashion. These are probably the same jacka**es who wonder why girls passed out behind dumpsters get raped. It’s like wow, Grace Slick, there’s being professor of the obvious, and then there’s informing me of the zesty information that it’s desirable to have somebody to love. Next thing I know you’re gonna be telling me where my crayons and coloring book are. Sorry, I didn’t know school started already.

Nelly – “Hot in Herre”

Do I really, REALLY have to explain this one?

Pearl Jam – “Once”

As we all know, the movie Clerks introduced us to the concept of the “oral bowel movement”… ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the closest corporeal approximation thereof. Mind you, you will not find a bigger Pearl Jam fan than me, but anybody aware of the story of him bogarting “Better Man” for years on end wouldn’t confuse Eddie Vedder with a master of selection.

Tom Petty – “American Girl”

I don’t know why I hate this song, I just hate it. Love “Free Fallin’,” “Learning to Fly,” “Here Comes My Girl”.. this one’s just his gutterball.

The Roots – “The Seed (2.0)”

Ok, I’ve been really warming up for this one. Cody Chest-snit, or whatever his STD-bandying co**-sucking name is, emerged into music in the ‘90s, an excellent decade for music. This is a shame, because he could have really had potential in a lot of other fields. Let’s just go down the list here. There’s fashion. Skill required: putting on clothes. Cody Chest lick has been known to excel at this complex feat of putting on clothes since age eight, though often taking them off too early for everybody’s taste. Number two: pouring hot wax on his nips. His aim is usually pretty good, provided they do at least 21 takes in the Hollywood studio. If this song was about this guy’s mom and dad making a baby, I would definitely not be saying, “Keep it rolling.”

Taylor Swift – “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”

Oh, uh, thanks Taylor Swift. Now, I hate to change the subject, from the many sophisticated ones you broach here, such as for instance, your vagina, and the fact that indie music is too complex for your level of mindpower, but what exactly would it take to imbue into you something even remotely resembling a SENSE OF HUMOR, do you think? My guess is it would be like attempting to lift a bulldozer which had on top of it the Empire State Building using only maybe a finger.

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