“Dolby’s Not-Top-10 of 2015.”

It’s a shaaaame that this is necessary, but ambition has eclipsed evaluation in certain arenas here, and it’s time to take a stand.

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10 Robert Frodeman/Adam Briggle – “When Philosophy Lost its Way” (New York Times)
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“Before (philosophy’s) migration to the university,” argue Frodeman and Briggle, “Philosophers could be found anywhere — serving as diplomats, living off pensions, grinding lenses, as well as within a university.” Um, how about sniffing glue? Was glue-sniffing a big trademark of these abstract gypsies? I mean, where to even begin here? Frodeman and Briggle are apparently arguing in favor of government funding being heaved to metaphysical beard scratchers sitting around in cafes, what’s more, ASKING QUESTIONS — “This occurred even as they taught their students the virtues of Socratic wisdom, which highlights the role of the philosopher as non-expert, the questioner, the gadfly.” They later state that philosophy was “once the queen of the disciplines.” So within the same article, the purported facts emerging are that both (a) “The institutionalization of philosophy… represents one of (its) enduring failures,” and that (b) philosophy was “once the queen of the disciplines.” Jerry Garcia, psychedelic thought processes, of course, heavy drug usage and knowledge-scoffing part of the “purification,” I suppose. Guys, you could at least have the balls to come out an say that you hate America, you hate scientific progress because it’s produced the atomic bomb… I mean these are understandable sentiments. What’s unforgivable is the haughty attitude that only the New York Times-reading, trust-fund-toting elite are capable of simple thought, self-analysis and morality.
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9 Collin Robinson — “Kendrick Lamar and Mainstream Rap’s Growing Conscience” (Stereogum)
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In attempting to proffer the reversion process of rap consciousness’ degradation, the ever-cerebral Mr. Robinson mentions “Nicki Minaj’s extravagance” as evidence of increased quality in radio rap — yes, that’s right, folks, that Nicki Minaj whose one song is literally all about big butts — what’s more, not even HER OWN lyric about big butts. I guess she forgot where her own butt was, she couldn’t study it well enough to write her own lyric about her own big butt? Might I suggest some flash cards? Consult your local fourth grade teacher? Umm, go to hell, Nicki Minaj, and Collin Robinson. What a fu**ing joke. There are no words in the English language to describe the stupidity of this article. Period.
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8 Samuel L. Jackson
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Wow, Samuel L. Jackson, my heart is palpitating, I’m jumping out of my damned seat with inspiration — NEVER have I been more spiritually spurred to go out and get a credit card. And it all makes sense now — all that time in Pulp Fiction, which as a teenager I was stupid enough to think meant anything at all, your “Bad Mother Fu**er” wallet was only a precursor to this beacon of transactional glory that is Capital One, the credit card company. Sh**, why didn’t you just come out and say it back then, and save us all the hassle of giving a flying fu** about you. All I know is, I know ONE black person who has no grounding in complaining about the Oscars. And I could throw Spike Lee into this mix. I really could.
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7 Fetty Wap
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Could someone get this guy some god damned muscular dystrophy medication already? Um, Fetty Wap, I actually know how to speak, and what’s more, rap… am I being oppressive? Am I insensitive to the disabled? Procreation of the human race has become an absurdist art form coon show, a trend which in rap in particular started with Lil’ Wayne, where the stupidity of Nelly met the intelligent control and malevolence of gangsta rap.
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6 Gar Forman/Chicago Bulls Basketball General Manager
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Gar Forman fired a coach, Tom Thibodeau, who had brought the Bulls from perennial mediocrity, a period from 1999-2009 when they had I believe all of one season with a winning record, to instantly vying for the Eastern Conference championship, at least twice being the best team in the East without Lebron on it, one of which years was Thibodeau’s last, which got him fired. And allllll because he caught Thibodeau maiming little gerbils with a screwdriver. Hey, at least he was using a flathead, not a Phillips! It’s more humane that way.
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5 Annoying Facebook large-font all-caps messages with a picture of a TV icon on them
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GOOD GOD am I sick of these. Hey, how are we ever going to find an activity stupider than going on facebook in the first place? I know, let’s have facebook do our thinking for us, in lieu of actually using our respective cerebrums in order to find our own words to voice what we’re thinking. (And yes, I go on facebook, thanks for noticing.)
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4 Star Wars
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Yeah, about Star Wars. So the first thing is… oh, ahem. Here we go. http://www.chicagoreader.com/chicago/star-wars-force-awakens-takedown-disney-george-lucas/Content?oid=20501547
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3 David Bowie’s album cover for Black Star
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Hey Bowie, did you notice that, um, your cover is the exact same as Stone Temple Pilots’ No. 4, just with the two colors switched around? By the way, when you died, was that the actual you, or any of the various kitschy adaptations of you, from space traveler, to masturbating spider tamer, to Arabian funboy? For that matter, was there ever an actual you in the first place? Can you masturbate in heaven? Page me when you get this, I’m dying to know.
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2 Rolling Stone’s semi-nude shot of Frances Bean Cobain for the Montage of Heck article
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Well, for a movie about a Seattle band that deals primary with people who live in LA, I guess this makes the most sense — just show some skin. The overarching, blanket, American resolution to problems, just take off some clothes. Why didn’t they think of this at the dawn of creation, in the Garden of Eden and shtuff?
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1 Donald Trump
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But not for his behavior, just because he has a receding hairline. Ugh, way awkward! Get a toupee, Trumpy! In all seriousness, there’s a telling New Yorker about the casino tycoon candidate and his recent financial struggles, which would foretell his comedic run for presidency — at least two of his gambling establishments going under in Atlantic city, and the sudden need for a new livelihood… new profession? Sure, why not. Reagan did it.