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“Tracking ‘Zero Chance’ by Soundgarden’s Progress at the NFL Combine”

Well, this is serious business! We’ve got the Seattle rock commissioner here, we’ve got old ladies in expensive sunglasses watching… THERE’S NO FU**ING AROUND PEOPLE! I DON’T KNOW WHO TOLD YOU THERE WAS FU**ING AROUND, BUT THERE’S NOT! All these rock artists nervous about following up successful albums, they’re weak! They’re just weak, like the Tampa Bay defense! And yes, that was my front teeth talking, not my incisors!

Ok, let’s start with the intro: it squatted an intermediately impressive 415 lbs. in reps of 10, did biceps curls of 175, gently introduces the song by shirking convention both tonally and in phrasing before a graceful rhythm-skewing high hat bath courtesy of Matt Cameron, but it faltered at the 40-yd. dash, only offering a HOPELESSLY DESULTORY chorus, which caters to pimply-faced loser teenagers who are LONELY! Ugh, such trite old semantics, fitting of the lowliest plebians. Sure, the verse has about one key change per measure, sure, Cornell’s vocal melodies drips subtle jazz motifs on the sound scape, stepping off the major scale by hitting augmented fourths, a theme which corresponds to the matching lyrical uncertainly and ennui, but that’s not THAT variant. I mean, do you know how many different sneakers Kendrick Lamar has? Now, THAT’S vicissitude, my hopeless “scene” denizens! Sure, it’s a great well-rounded climax, but it better be, it’s a single! What, this isn’t a single? The band led with opener “Pretty Noose” and followed up with the intro-free sauna of interweaving melodies that is “Burden in My Hand”? Well, all that great coffee they’re getting up in Seattle nowadays, they BETTER write song great songs!
And being that this is the NFL, we have the need for speed. Whew, I finished my review in 40 seconds, and I didn’t enjoy Down on the Upside too much! I swear, I didn’t! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some hemorrhoids to treat, then I’m gonna put on the Pet Shop Boys. NOBODY listens to THEM!

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