- The skit/interlude in the Beastie Boys’ “B-Boys Makin’ wit’ the Freak Freak”
It’s a black dude going, “Sh**, if it’s gonna be that kinda party I’m-a stick my di** in the mashed potatoes!” Nobody, NOBODY, I’ve ever been around listening to Ill Communication with, has ever failed to laugh at this one, and you can make permanent friends with someone over this kind of thing, just listening to this cut and laughing together. I know multiple people who name the Beastie Boys as their favorite musical act of any genre, and it’s this type of intangibles, I think, that has them setting the bar in the ears of many.
- The head-bobbing exercise bike on Jackass.
It’s on the Golden Gate Bridge, Johnny Knoxville’s got one of those babies set up with a little styrofoam head pursuing his crotch every cycle, and looking serious as ever, actually, like he’s about to heave. Really sellin’ it.
- qotsa.com: Bulby
In 2006 the Queens of the Stone Age released their first mediocre album, but their website was anything but. Entitled “Bulby Rocks Hard,” there was this little icon with a sort of cracked light bulb with a face on it, smoking a cigarette. You clicked on it, and he starts talking in this Brooklyn accent, like, “When those Queens punks hear my jam they’re gonna drop a doogan in their pants.” He gets the mic and he’s all scared, he’s like, “Whoa, this is like a real live microphone?” And then his song is solely making fun of the Queens of the Stone Age, including the line, “Dancin’ around in your fat-ass jeans.” A unique artistic voice if there ever was one.
- The pulling-over scene in Super Troopers
I was going to take a date to see this movie when it came out, when I was a senior in high school, and in probably the second-worst advice I’ve ever got next to conceding to student load debt, I chose the disgraceful 40 Days and 40 Nights instead. Maybe I’m a little hard on Days, but I’m a low-budget kind of guy, people doing more with less inspire me, and this clip just seemed so unexpected, like some dark, sadistic cops getting back at the hip-hop world for berating them.
- Martin Lawrence’s bit: “The Pu**y”
Ok, some of these are disgusting, I admit. I was watching it with a bunch of guys in high school. Lawrence just gets on this tip about sex, he’s like, “Ladies, yo sh** is so GOOD,” and then he talks about when you come too soon and the girl’s like, “OH NO YOU DIDN’T!” He’s like, “Yo sh** like ADJUSTS,” and he gets talking about climbing with your whole body into it, and hiding from the cops in there, and he does a really funny impression of a white cop going, “Ma’am, we have reason to believe there is someone hiding in the pu**y.”
- Ice-T thinking Malik B. was dead
You’d never ever think Black Thought was dead, he’s quite the attention junkie, but I dunno, maybe I’m just dark and demented, I got a kick out of the cop/cop-killa including “Slax” in his list of deceased rappers at the end of Something from Nothing: The Art of Rap. The situation was later resolved when Ice-T was notified that Malik B. was extant, and the director tweeted: “Malik B.’s alive? Oh, then that’s a good thing.”
- The “You’ve got some rouge” This is Sportscenter spot
My relationship with Dan Patrick turned Seinfeld’s Kramer with this one: “I’m so sorry! Take me back! I’ll do anything, I love you!” He’d always struck me as a mediocre teacher’s pet, dad’s-the-coach type Sportscenter anchor, but on this one he and Keith Olberman are in front of a mirror putting on makeup and Patrick’s talking about “toughness” in hockey, attempting to assert that you don’t have to “drop the gloves,” which means getting in a fight, to qualify as “tough.” Olberman interrupts him, changing the subject, by going, “you’ve got some rouge buildup right there.”
- Kurt Cobain: “Now it’s broken”
I forget which show this happened at, but see, this is why it’s good to read. Either Germany or somewhere, the club manager gets salty with the singer, comes up to him, shows him a mic, and claims that Cobain had somehow damaged them. I think this was on the Bleach tour, the band wasn’t getting paid much, and wasn’t getting any sleep. Cobain had had enough, he took the mic, slammed it on the ground as hard as he could, putting a crack up the side, and saying, “There, now it’s broken.”
- Darleen’s boyfriend on Roseanne: “Gee, can we still not have sex?”
Gotta bring it back to the Midwest for at least one of these. And you’ve gotta love a good sarcastic, lifeboat-is-sinking one-liner. Deliciously caustic breakup-reaction catharsis.
- UConn women’s basketball coach Geno Auriema on the Budweiser Hot Seat, circa
Last but not least, I shine the spotlight on the great UConn coach who grew up mired in extreme poverty in rural Italy, where apparently they would “catch whatever animal ran through the backyard, kill it and eat it for dinner that night.” The guy just oozes charisma, gets a bad rap from the press, probably because he sees through them, went on the Budweiser Hot Seat, which may be a now defunct interview feature of Sportscenter, was asked if he’d take a men’s job at Duke, said no, North Carolina, no, was asked where if anywhere and responded: “Providence College. They got no business not havin’ an Italian coach there.” Was dismissed from the Budweiser Hot Seat whereupon he indulged us that “I need a Budweiser after that.”