Pete? What up, it’s Mike. I’m calling about DMX. No, I didn’t see him in the post office. It might have been Chad Ochocinco. Man, you’re not gonna believe this: they’re calling him a homo. Give these millennials a smart phone and they’re instant celebrities, instant stand-up comedians, apparently. And the dude talks about “bars” as if rap is even a big thing these days — actually when I hear a fly sampled or synth-heavy beat, I usually start HOPING that it’s a soul song, instead of some Narcissistic instant-genius trying to reinvent the wheel with some corny rap. I mean, Pearl Charles? That stuff is timeless. As is DMX. And he’s embalmed, at this point, I mean, the guy rapped in the ’90s, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. It’s not like arguing over Drake and Kendrick, or even T.I., for that matter. They’re all like, THERE’S A NEW FINDING THAT THE BREAKFAST CLUB SUCKS, or, THERE’S A NEW FINDING THAT GENESIS SUCKS. Well, now there’s been a new finding that DMX sucks, doesn’t have “bars,” has “gay bars,” as the dude so ingeniously put it. Well, they’re talking about him 28 years after his debut, and that’s gotta count for something. And it’s hard to know what to compare it to — I like “Party up” alone better than Kendrick and Drake’s whole catalogues combined. I had DMX fourth of all time, between Jay-Z and Eminem. I could see him battling with Jay-Z and intimidating him, or laughing at how Eminem sounded like a white Urkel. But what do you say to someone who just doesn’t GET the greatness of “Party up”; how there’s nothing that gets you more hype in a crowded bar, in times of tension and confrontation? What do you say to someone completely clueless about the greatness of “Ruff Ryders’ Anthem”; how it shut the whole world up in the late ’90s and just got heads bouncing, about the heartbreaking excellency of a dude who would run outside to get away from his abusive, violent mom, and make friends with dogs since people in his native New York City were too busy or pompous to talk to him, and then rap about dogs in a bunch of songs, as a result? They want him to be with a chick. Maybe they’re fu**ing homos, for Christ’s sake.
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