I’m at work now and we get a constant stream of’ 80s music — Paula Abdul, Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, Bryan Adams and more. (“Answering Bell!”). Sorry. Couldn’t resist that one [1].
Listen, Bryan Adams. You’re fuc**ing good. And knowing you you’re probably going home and thinking you suck at guitar, like your songs need guitar. Or like being too good at singing is like white male cultural appropriate and taking a dump while facing southwest, and junk.
Look. They hate you because you have a friend named “Jodie.” They hate you’ cause you’re, like, ya know, really white. You’re a white dude.
And in 1984 you wrote a song that’s better than “Born in the U.S.A.” And it’s better than “Dancing in the Dark.” And it wasn’t supposed to be like that. You were supposed to be the mimbo. You don’t feel anything. You’re a white ghost.
And you were funny, too. You had a band that “tried real hard.” Don’t even give ’em that dry sense of humor. I mean, you don’t wanna see one of your elementary school teachers, now, anyway, the types who would say that “trying real hard” in life were the key to suck-cess. They’re imagining chipping at your head. They’re imagining jagging at your neck.
And twice you said “You told me you would wait forever / And when you held my hand / I knew that it was now or never”. They’re not even listening to that. Bryan Adams is in the… phones! They heard your a** in the phones, fool. Your song is an ounce better than “Dancing in the Dark,” which is to say it took over the world, and now you’ve got this sense of humor, so everybody’s gotta taste your cock, your yummy cock, your butthole, your yummy butthole, every time they turn on the radio. That is to say, I hear it even more than “Hit Me with Your Best Shot.” And you didn’t even need that college sense of humor, and that, my friend, is why you wrote the best song of all time. Besides, like, all the songs by War and Stevie Wonder, and all that crap.
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[1] Per report, Ryan Adams once threw a fan out of a concert for requesting a Bryan Adams song (for the guy being that much of an asshole I’m assuming it was a Chicago show) so I thought I’d just do him one the same real quick, on my blog that has Parkinson’s, if you will.