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“An Exact Transcription of My Inner Dialogue While I’m Reading the Wikipedia Blurb on Houses of the Holy.”

(Me): Well, I would’ve loved to share the song “The Crunge” today on Facebook, but the Houses of the Holy cover was so disgusting that it rendered the entire operation lurid. I mean what’s actually UP with that cover? I’ll check out Wikipedia, my fact checking cuz. They’re always coming with some sociologically tenacious levity lacing their objective fact. Maybe I’ll get some perspective on other people’s reactions. It would have been an even more radical cover back in the day. Ah, there’s even a section of the blurb on “Artwork and packaging.” Wow, one stop shopping… no further research should even be necessary! Hooray for Wikipedia! Ok here we go.

(Wikipedia): The cover art for Houses of the Holy was inspired by Arthur C. Clarke’s novel Childhood’s End. The cover is a collage of several photographs which were taken at the Giant’s Causeway, Northern Ireland, by Aubrey Powell of Hipgnosis. This location was chosen ahead of an alternative one in Peru which had also been considered.

(Me): Are they ever gonna get to the fact that it’s a picture of naked five year old girls climbing up a mountain?

(Wikipedia): The photo shoot featured two children, Stefan and Samantha Gates. It was a frustrating affair over the course of ten days.

(Me): Why, did they not let you sick fu**s pork them in the a** or something? The flat tone of this blurb about the Houses of the Holy “art” is the most repugnant thing I’ve seen since I first saw a girl wearing yoga pants in a public place (which was my cousin, very awkwardly and unfortunately enough).

(Wikipedia): Shooting was done first thing in the morning and at sunset in order to capture the light at dawn and dusk, but the desired effect was never achieved due to constant rain and clouds.

(Me): Haha, good lord. It’s an album with a song called “The Rain Song” on it, ruined because of“constant rain and clouds.” What will happen next? Also that’s probably longer than Nirvana took for the entire writing and recording of Bleach.

(Wikipedia): The photos of the two children were taken in black and white and were multi-printed to create the effect of 11 individuals that can be seen on the album cover. The results were unsatisfactory, but some accidental tinting effects in post-production created a suitable album cover.

(Me): Umm… excuse me… er… kind sir… uh… bearfu**er… um… IT’S A BUNCH OF NAKED FIVE YEAR OLD GIRLS CLIMBING UP A MOUNTAIN. YOU EVEN SEE ONE OF THE GIRL’S A** CRACK. ALSO JIMMY PAGE HAS A REGRETTABLE HISTORY OF GETTING ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH YOUNGER CO-EDS. ALSO THE BAND IN THE FINAL SONG “THE OCEAN” EVEN MAKES A LYRICAL REFERENCE TO “A GIRL WHO WON MY HEART / SHE IS ONLY THREE YEARS OLD AND IT’S A REAL FINE WAY TO START”, A SONG WHICH IS WRITTEN ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER, ONLY COMPOUNDED BY THE FURTHER CHILD PROBLEMS ROBERT PLANT WOULD HAVE WITH HIS SON DYING THREE YEARS LATER OF A STOMACH INFECTION. From the way you write this blurb you’d think it was a picture of varnish covering an oaken table in Ohio.

(Wikipedia): Page has stated that the album cover was the second version submitted by Hipgnosis.

(Me): “Hipgnosis”? I won’t even ask.

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