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“DD Review: Greta Van Fleet – Anthem of the Peaceful Army.”

Score: 0.5/10

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Four score and seven years ago, we first heard of this band Greta Van Fleet, and have been waiting for their album to come out ever since. One of these decades, slavery is gonna come back, too. I’m gonna see to it.
Over the last few (lots of) months, then, I’ve heard this band often compared to Led Zeppelin, too. Well, they’re like exactly like Led Zeppelin, so I guess that’s appropriate. Track one “Age of Man” booms in as warmed-over ’70s metal channeled through Queens of the Stone Age, Wolfmother, Black Mountain on not much else. As you might have guessed, the chorus, which takes forever to arrive just like this album did, is overly dramatic and cheesy, as if every time these individuals exit their cookie cutter suburban homes they’re just cosmologically destined to say something really IMPORTANT.

And then if the Led Zeppelin clone prototype wasn’t bad enough, we get… FOGHAT. Yes, the guitarist of this band is cheesing out like 1978, moustaches and muscle cars never really left. He just wants to make love to your ear drums…. too bad he couldn’t think of an original way to do it, or even one that involved an effects pedal of any kind.

One sort of halfway, almost interesting thing about this band, I guess, is that the vocalist who sounds like a girl is actually a guy, Joshua Kiszka. I mean, that’s something to take out of, I suppose… a slight sense of androgyny. They hail from somewhere up in Michigan, which, once the birthplace of almost invariably vital music from rock to rap to Motown, now seems the chronic harborer of some extreme excessive confidence disorders.

These guys don’t even sound like they’ve ever HEARD indie rock in their lives, to be honest. But, I’m sure they’re shaking the right hands and kissing the right babies – they’ve infiltrated our putridly PC cultural mainstream of today (actually they do remind me of The Darkness, another band decades behind their times, just without the sense of humor), and I’ve never encountered a single soul who doesn’t like ’em. Maybe that’s half of their problem.

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