“Michael Che – ‘Black Lives Matter’ Comedy Bit Transcription”

“We just can’t agree on anything anymore, as a country. We fight about EVERYTHING.”
“Even ‘Black lives matter.’
“That’s a controversial statement! ‘Black lives matter!’
“Not ‘Matter more than you,’ just ‘matters! Matters! Just matters!
“That’s where we’re starting the negotiations. We can’t agree on that sh**? What the fu** is less than ‘matters’?
“‘Black lives exist?’ Can we say that? Is that controversial too?
“We always ask for the lowest common denominator. We always ask for the lowest amount of rights. Gays are fighting for ‘equal rights’? Can you believe that’s an actual stance you can have?
“You can be for ‘equal rights’?
“I mean there are people out there saying, ‘Everybody should have the same rights as everyone else.’
“And other people are like, ‘Nah, son, I disagree. I just don’t think so.’
“Black people were fighting for ‘civil rights’! Not even ‘equal’! Just ‘civil’! Just be civil! Turn the fu**in’ hoses.
“They don’t tell you, ‘Black lives don’t matter.’ That’s not what they say. That’s not the argument. They hit you with that slick sh**.
“Like, ‘Well, ALL lives matter.’ Really? Semantics?
“That would be like if your wife came up to you and was like, ‘Do you love me?’
“And you were like, ‘Baby! I love everybody! I love all God’s creatures! What are you sayin’! You’re no different!’
“Why do black people always have to get over sh** so quickly? Thanks, black lady. (Laughter.) Right? Why do we gotta get over sh**? Every time we bring some sh** up? Slavery. Oh, that was 400 years ago. Segregation. Oh, you guys got black history month out of it. Come on, we gave you February. Police shooting. Come on, that was two weeks, you still? 9/11. Oh, never forget. That’s why this September I’m getting a t-shirt that says, ‘All buildings matter.’ Let’s see how that works.

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