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“Pandora Sucks”

I am so fu**ing done with Pandora it’s not even funny. They have no regard for what quality music is, whatsoever.
My first nightmarish experience with it came at work, in this kitchen in 2016. I was new on the job and trying to make a good impression. The guys said they wanted to know what I wanted listen to, so I said Gaslight Anthem. I’m not even joking you: Pandora like found the ONE fu**ing fagget Gaslight Anthem song in their entire catalogue and played it like second, after one single good song, this goopy ballad crap. No “I Coulda Been a Contender,” no “Old White Lincoln,” no “Stay Lucky,” no “Bring it on” no “Boxer.” It was like music for a wrist-slitting candlelight fu**ing vigil.
Granted, all my bad experiences with Pandora have come at work: maybe my standards for music are higher in such situations (although it was weird that all the groups they paired with the Gaslight Anthem were OLD, like Springsteen and Petty and stuff…. they probly could have pulled off Green Day, for Christ’s sake).
Let’s fast forward to this year: I request Doors, looking forward to some sweet sun-drenched psychedelia in the form of “Peace Frogs,” “Land Ho!,” “Moonlight Drive” et. al. What do we get? Reductive frat-boy shmear of “Hello, I Love You” and all these other stupid songs about bit**es that I forgot even existed… it gets back to the whole reason why even though “What’s Your Name?” is a worse Lynyrd Skynyrd song than “Gimme Three Steps,” it will play with a greater prevalence on rock radio because it handles a theme which occupies a prouder role in American culture: the alpha male, the manly man, rather than the fleer (which let’s be honest, a pretty boy “long-hair” would be more likely to be than the average dude). That Doors Pandora just utterly made me hurl.
But the worst, by far, was Beasties Pandora, and this I guarantee will be enough to make you grab your AK and truck it down to this company’s headquarters: each of the first three Beasties songs they played were off Licensed to fu**ing Ill, and to top it off, two of them were THE SAME FU**ING SONG, “No Sleep ’til Brooklyn.” If you ever meet an idiot moron who says the Beasties suck, or that they’re a bunch of juvenile nose-picking porn addicts, now you know who to blame.

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