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“A List of Mind-Bogglingly Stupid Things Which Have Been Said on Consequence of Sound and Pitchfork.”

Consequence of Sound sort of reminds me of people from really small towns who try to make statements on a big stage, or on Facebook to an audience of people who are from bigger towns. [1] It’s like they’re so proud of themselves for utilizing a modern technological device and forming complete sentences that all personality and sense of humor are roundly fumigated from the premises. Let’s start with their 2015 coverage of Bonnaroo. First of all, I can’t fu**ing stand these sites that make you like keep clicking, and clicking, and clicking, and clicking — they advertise to report on something, and then you scroll to the bottom of the page and there’s like a naked chick or something. For every click, the entity in charge of measuring their website’s traffic accounts an increased level thereof, whereas given how my site is set up, it’s obvious that there’s not like some limit to how much you can fit on a page. And ok, maybe I’m just being an a-hole here, but there is just absolutely, positively, entirely no personality to the writing on this site. Gone are the days of edgy music snobbery — instead the guy starts talking about like the quality of the toilets, the ease with which he can make conversation with strangers and how with the musical lineup “each year is vastly different” (like it gets more mainstream and lame every year, to be specific). The fu**ing guy talks about seeing Kendrick Lamar and Robert Plant, but he doesn’t mention a single INCIDENT from either one — fu**, did they SAY anything? Did they play any fu**ing songs you care to mention? They write like a site that also reviews movies and spends a bunch of time watching them and being desensitized to the world — actually the douche bag won’t shut up about like Game of Thrones and sh**. Wow, dude, you almost made it one tiny, piddly little article about Bonnaroo pertaining entirely to music! They do not strike me as people who are sick of bad music — rather, they want to capitalize on a propagated phenomenon using a generic understanding of said phenomenon, thus probably granting them an inferiority complex which spurs them into reviewing movies (thankfully I didn’t see any video game reviews this time on this particular page).
And God, I don’t even know where to begin. I think I’ll start with Pitchfork, to switch things up and to get probably the least transgressive out of the way. Like seriously, I wonder if anybody even reads these sites or not. Let’s go to Pitchfork’s review of The Dismemberment Plan’s Uncanney Valley, an album I’ve personally played all the way through several times and culled from for mix CD’s with the classic “Invisible” many, many times. First of all, I can’t stand how people won’t shut up about how great that album Change is — every other fu**ing song is about sex on it. One of the songs even has a chorus that goes “I can do it anywhere with anyone at anytime”. It’s fu**ing disgusting. I mean ok, maybe he’s using the phrase “do it” metaphorically, to mean like he can totally be himself any time or whatever — in which case it’s more just a matter of lack of articulation. But he does explicitly mention sex in that terrible song “Secret Curse” and also the closeur “Ellen and Ben” (which to the band’s credit was actually stylishly omitted from the track list on the back of the CD case, bringing up another interesting point about the “packaging” of online music). Change is supposed to be so great, but in the last song Travis Morrison starts talking about like some toys he had when he was a kid, and then the dude writing this Pitchfork Uncanney Valley review alleges that “maturity” is a requisite for quality rock and roll music. Something certainly doesn’t add up here. What’s more, he acts like he has to give us a freakin’ bio on the band — he starts talking about how like some of them have kids and one dude worked at NASA. It’s like wow dude, you like MATURITY that much? You can always turn on freakin’ Dr. Phil. In the meantime, maybe he can revamp Paul’s Boutique and make it more mature — that would work great.
Ok this post is getting long and I’m just bit**ing so I think I’ll cut to the chase here — similarly to with Pitchfork dissing Uncanney Valley, an album I really like, Consequence of Sound gives Dandy Warhols – Distortland a lukewarm review (I fu**ing couldn’t even do a search on their da**ed site, I literally had to go back to Google and type it all in after being at their Bonnaroo stuff) of B- and utters the words, I’m not joking, about Courtney Taylor-Taylor the lead singer “He’s as much of a joke as the rest of us.” That’s what this a**hole said. Look at it. Seeing is believing. This fu**ing single-celled organism piece of sh** two-bit co**-sucking online pencil pusher had the gaul to say that the Dandy Warhols lead singer is “as much of a joke as the rest of us.” To make things, worse, they start out right away bit**ing about THE END OF THE ALBUM. It’s like judging someone by their stool sample or their bunghole or something. I’m just waiting for Consequence of Sound part two: which artists have the most nutritionally sound stool samples.
Ok this is getting a little crazy… I’m getting the same feeling I got when I was talking with this one dipsh** Bernie Sanders supporter and literally pi**ed him off just by asking him questions. I do also care though to mention that they offered as a reason why the new Puscifer album was good was that it exhibited class (whereas anybody with half a brain who knows Puscifer knows that their entire existence is predicated on making fun of things, hence making “class” a legitimate disqualifying factor in its attempt at quality). And the last is my favorite: this dude on Consequence of Sound writing, using the format of the online journal, that the “media went digital and lost all semblance of integrity.” Actually I couldn’t find that when I just tried to search for it… they must have deleted it. Good call, boys. And sorry to be so negative, but I just can’t help but question your motives for doing what you’re doing. Well, hey, look on the bright side, at least everybody else in the world is a joke, too, just like you guys.
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[1] The dude even talks about Iowa, for Christ’s sake.

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