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“Most Popular Ween Songs: The Popular Vote’s Power Rankings (This is Not a ‘Dolby’s’ List)”

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I just made a startling discovery about Ween: it’s now been over 10 years since they put out their last studio album, the genre-shifting but ultimately underwhelming La Cucaracha. In light of this knowledge, though, it’s all the more surprising (though if you’re into the band it’s more gratifying than surprising) that even with this studio-LP drought, they can still book a show at Chicago’s iconic Aragon Ballroom, while Everclear seem to put out albums every year and still rock Roscoe’s Bar and Grill to (be) the band.
It was nice putting this list together because it gave me a chance to be a completely objective online documentarian (which every blogger should be, to an extent). The results have nothing whatever to do with my own opinion: they’re all mathematically compiled with objective exactitude based on general search engines, iTunes rank, critical response, fan response and last but not least, the songs the band themselves selected to play at their recent Chicago gig. It’s sort of like licking my finger and putting it up to the wind. I mean, what’s a wishing well full of your own saliva? Eh, never mind. Just read. Below the main collection is listed how I devised the overall rankings.
Disclaimer: nothing about this message is to indicate that popular votes actually matter in democratic politics.
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Ween song popular vote power rankings:
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1 “Happy Colored Marbles” [132]
2 “The Stallion (Suite)” [121]
3 “Roses are Free” [94]
4 “Stay Forever” [89]
5 “It’s Gonna Be a Long Night” [88]
6 “Buckingham Green” [82]
7 “Push th’ Little Daisies” [81]
8 “Your Party” [74]
9 “Cold Blows the Wind” [73]
“You Fu**ed up” [73]
11 “Demon Sweat” [71]
“Pollo Asado” [71]
13 “It’s Gonna Be (Alright)” [70]
14 “Gabrielle” [69]
15 “Flutes of Chi” [68]
“Tried and True” [68]
17 “L.M.L.Y.P.” [66]
18 “Mutilated Lips” [65]
19 “Ocean Man” [56]
20 “Baby Bit**” [54]
21 “Transdermal Celebration” [54]
22 “What Deaner Was Talking about” [52]
23 “Chocolate Town” [51]
“The Argus” [51]
“Zoloft” 51
26 “Sarah” [50]
27 “The Blarney Stone” [49]
28 “Captain Fantasy” [48]
“Take Me away” [48]
“Voodoo Lady” [48]
31 “Frank” [47]
“Pork Roll Egg and Cheese” [47]
33 “Awesome Sound” [46]
“Cover it with Gas and Set it on Fire” [46]
“Mononucleosis” [46]
“Reggaejunkiejew” [46]
37 “You Were the Fool” [45]
38 “Even if You Don’t” [43]
“Never Squeal” [43]
“Pandy Fackler” [43]
41 “Freedom of ’76” [41]
“Mister, Would You Please Help My Pony?” [41]
43 “Bananas and Blow” [40]
44 “Exactly Where I’m at” [39]
“Poop Ship Destroyer” [39]
46 “Common Bit**” [36]
47 “The Mollusk” [32]
48 “Buenos Tardes Amigo” [31]
49 “She F***s Me” [30]
“The HIV Song” [30]
51 “I Don’t Want it” [29]
“If You Could Save Yourself (You’d Save Us All)” [29]
53 “Ice Castles” [28]
“She’s Your Baby” [28]
“The Grobe” [28]
56 “Waving My Di** in the Wind” [27]
57 “A Tear for Eddie” [26]
“Birthday Boy” [26]
“Drifter in the Dark” [26]
60 “Sketches of Winkle” [25]
“Sorry Charlie” [25]
62 “Don’t Get 2 Close (2 My Fantasy)” [24]
“Hey Fatboy (A**hole) [24]
“The Going Gets Tough from the Getgo” [24]
“Touch My Tooter” [24]
66 “Friends” [23]
“Mr. Richard Smoker” [23]
68 “Big Fat Fu**” [22]
“Boys Club” [22]
“Dr. Rock” [22]
“Homo Rainbow” [22]
“I Fell in Love Today” [22]
“I’ll Be Your Johnny on the Spot” [22]
“Kim Smoltz” [22]
“Mango Woman” [22]
“Papa Zit” [22]
“Polka Dot Tail” [22]
“She Wanted to Leave” [22]
“Someday” [22]
“Stroker Ace” [22]
“Tastes Good on th’ Bun” [22]
“The Stallion, pt. 3” [22]
“Tick” [22]
84 “Bumblebee” [21]
“Pi** up a Rope” [21]
86 “Help Me Scrape the Mucus off My Brain” [20]
87 “Don’t Laugh (I Love You)” [15]
“Fat Lenny” [15]
“Spinal Meningitis (Got Me down)” [15]
“The Golden Eel” [15]
91 “Don’t Sh** where You Eat” [12]
92 “I Can’t Put My Finger on it” [10]
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Youtube/internet rankings:

1 “Mutilated Lips” (The Mollusk) [30 pts]
2 “Ocean Man” (The Mollusk) [29 pts]
3 “Baby Bitch” (Chocolate and Cheese/Live in Chicago) [28 pts]
4 “Waving My Di** in the Wind” (The Mollusk) [27 pts]
5 “Captain Fantasy” (The Pod) [26 pts]
6 “Happy Colored Marbles” (Quebec) [25 pts]
7 “Exactly Where I’m At” (White Pepper) [24 pts]
8 “Voodoo Lady” (Chocolate and Cheese) [23 pts]
9 “Take Me away” (White Pepper) [22 pts]
10 “Pi** up a Rope” (12 Golden Country Greats) [21 pts]
11 “Push th’ Little Daisies” (Pure Guava) [20 pts]
12 “It’s Gonna Be a Long Night” (Quebec) [19 pts]
13 “It’s Gonna Be Alright” (The Mollusk) [18 pts]
14 “The Mollusk” (The Mollusk) [17 pts]
15 “Buenos Tardes Amigo” (Chocolate and Cheese) [16 pts]
16 “Bananas and Blow” (White Pepper) [15 pts]
17 “Roses are Free” (Chocolate and Cheese) [14 pts]
18 “Mr. Richard Smoker” (12 Golden Country Greats) [13 pts]
19 “Don’t Sh** Where You Eat” (Chocolate and Cheese) [12 pts]
20 “What Deaner Was Talking about” (Chocolate & Cheese) [11 pts]
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Ween songs I’ve heard unprompted by myself in public places (in alphabetical order):
“Bananas and Blow” [10 pts]
“Mutilated Lips” [10 pts]
“Voodoo Lady” (pronounced most prominently within the album Chocolate & Cheese) [10 pts]
“Mr. Richard Smoker” (pronounced most prominently with the album 12 Golden Country Greats) [10 pts]
“Happy Colored Marbles” (performed on the Carson Daly Showin ’03) [10 pts]
“I Can’t Put My Finger on it” (performed on Late Night with Conan O’Brien) — which surprisingly seems to be the band’s only Conan performance over the years. [10 pts]
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Assessing in terms of All Request Live (without a doubt the most important factor, internet get fu**ed/though it also proves that people are idiots, seeing as they requested “Pollo Asado”):
1 “The Stallion” (The Pod) [46 pts]
2 “Awesome Sound” (The Pod) [46 pts]
3 “Demon Sweat (The Pod) [46 pts]
4 “Pollo Asado” (The Pod) [46 pts]
5 “Happy Colored Marbles” [46 pts]
6 “Cover it with Gas and Set it on Fire” [46 pts]
7 “Cold Blows the Wind” [46 pts]
8 “Reggaejunkiejew” [46 pts]
9 “Tried and True” (Quebec) [46 pts]
10 “Mononucleosis” [46 pts]
11 “Stay Forever” (The Mollusk) [46 pts]
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Covered prominently:
“Roses are Free” (Phish) [40 pts]
“It’s Gonna Be a Long Night” (Umphrey’s McGee) [40 pts]

Ask a critic: ranking per off-album citations in reviews on Pitchfork, AV Club and Spin.
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“L.M.L.Y.P.” (GodWeenSatan: The Oneness — pitchfork review of The Mollusk) [15 pts]
“She F***s Me” (The Pod — pitchfork review of The Mollusk) [15 pts]
“The Mollusk” (The Mollusk – pitchfork review of White Pepper) [15 pts]
“Buckingham Green” (The Mollusk – pitchfork review of White Pepper) [15 pts]
“L.M.L.Y.P.” (GodWeenSatan: The Oneness — pitchfork review of White Pepper) [15 pts]
“She F***s Me” (The Pod — pitchfork review of White Pepper) [15 pts]
“Poop Ship Destroyer” (Pure Guava – pitchfork review of Quebec) [15 pts]
“You Fu**ed up” ((GodWeenSatan: The Oneness – pitchfork review of Quebec) [15 pts]
“The HIV Song” (Chocolate & Cheese – pitchfork review of Quebec) [15 pts]
“Push th’ Little Daisies” (Pure Guava – A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“Spinal Menengitis (Got Me Down) (Chocolate & Cheese) A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“Mister, Would You Please Help My Pony?” Chocolate & Cheese) A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“The HIV Song” Chocolate & Cheese) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“Freedom of ’76” Chocolate & Cheese) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]

“Roses are Free” Chocolate & Cheese) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]

“Voodoo Lady” Chocolate & Cheese) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“Buenos Tardes Amigo” Chocolate & Cheese) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“What Deaner Was Talking about” Chocolate & Cheese) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“The Golden Eel” (The Mollusk) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“Buckingham Green” (The Mollusk) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“You Fu**ed up” (GodWeenSatan: The Oneness) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“Fat Lenny” (GodWeenSatan: The Oneness) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“Common Bit**” (GodWeenSatan: The Oneness) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“Don’t Laugh (I Love You)” (GodWeenSatan: The Oneness) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“Bananas and Blow” (White Pepper) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“Pandy Fackler”(White Pepper) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“Even if You Don’t”(White Pepper) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“Exactly Where I’m at”(White Pepper) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“Stay Forever” (White Pepper) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“Flutes of Chi”(White Pepper) (A/V Club – “Gateways to Geekery” – 2011) [15 pts]
“L.M.L.Y.P.” (GodWeenSatan: The Oneness) [Spin Magazine (on google books) “My Dinner with Ween/an interview” – Mar. 1995] [15 pts]
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Spin’s Top 10 (“The 10 Best Ween Songs/1 June 2012) [in no order]
“Gabrielle” [25 pts]
“Flutes of Chi” [25 pts]
“Transdermal Celebration” [25 pts]
“Your Party” [25 pts]
“You Were the Fool” [25 pts]
“Buckingham Green” [25 pts]
“Mutilated Lips” [25 pts]
“The Stallion” [25 pts]
“It’s Gonna Be Alright” [25 pts]
“Roses are Free” [25 pts]
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Stereogum – “Ween Albums from Best to Worst”/14 Nov. 2012”
“Help Me Scrape the Mucus off My Brain” (12 Golden Country Greats) [20 pts]
“You Were the Fool” (12 Golden Country Greats) [20 pts]
“Bumblebee” (GodWeenSatan: The Oneness) [21 pts]
“Common Bit**” (GodWeenSatan: The Oneness) [21 pts]
“You Fu**ed up” (GodWeenSatan: The Oneness) [21 pts]
“Never Squeal” (GodWeenSatan: The Oneness) [21 pts]
“L.M.L.Y.P.” (GodWeenSatan: The Oneness) [21 pts]
“I Fell in Love Today” (Shinola Vol. 1) [22 pts]
“Someday” (Shinola Vol. 1) [22 pts]
“Tastes Good on th’ Bun” (Shinola Vol. 1) [22 pts]
“Big Fat Fu**” (Shinola Vol. 1) [22 pts]
“Boys Club” (Shinola Vol. 1) [22 pts]
“Gabrielle” (Shinola Vol. 1) [22 pts]
“Friends” (La Cucaracha) [23 pts]
“Your Party” (La Cucaracha) [23 pts]
“The Going Gets Tough from the Getgo” [24]
“Hey Fatboy (A**hole)” (Pure Guava) [24 pts]
“Touch My Tooter” (Pure Guava) [24 pts]
“Poop Ship Destroyer” (Pure Guava) [24 pts]
“Push th’ Little Daisies” (Pure Guava) [24 pts]
“Sarah” (Pure Guava) [24 pts]
“Don’t Get 2 Close (2 My Fantasy)” (Pure Guava) [24 pts]
“Frank” (The Pod) [25 pts]
“The Stallion” (The Pod) [25 pts]
“The STallion” (The Pod) [25 pts]
“Pollo Asado” (The Pod) [25 pts]
“Sketches of Winkle” (The Pod) [25 pts]
“Demon Sweat” (The Pod) [25 pts]
“Sorry Charlie” (The Pod) [25 pts]
“Pork Roll Egg and Cheese” (The Pod) [25 pts]
“Freedom of ’76” (Chocolate & Cheese) [26 pts]
“Mister, Would You Please Help My Pony?” (Chocolate & Cheese) [26 pts]
“Take Me away” (Chocolate & Cheese) [26 pts]
“A Tear for Eddie” (Chocolate & Cheese) [26 pts]
“Drifter in the Dark” (Chocolate & Cheese) [26 pts]
“Your Party” (La Cucaracha) (Chocolate & Cheese) [26 pts]
“Birthday Boy” (GodWeenSatan: The Oneness) (Chocolate & Cheese) [26 pts]
“Sarah” (Pure Guava) (Chocolate & Cheese) [26 pts]
“What Deaner Was Talking about” (Chocolate & Cheese) [26 pts]
“Baby Bit**” (Chocolate & Cheese) [26 pts]
“Ocean Man” (The Mollusk) [27 pts]
“The Blarney Stone” (The Mollusk) [27 pts]
“It’s Gonna Be (Alright)” (The Mollusk) [27 pts]
“Cold Blows the Wind” (The Mollusk) [27 pts]
“Buckingham Green” (The Mollusk) [27 pts]
“Flutes of Chi” (White Pepper) [28 pts]
“Even if You Don’t” (White Pepper) [28 pts]
“Stay Forever” (White Pepper) [28 pts]
“Ice Castles” (White Pepper) [28 pts]
“The Grobe” (White Pepper) [28 pts]
“Pandy Fackler” (White Pepper) [28 pts]
“She’s Your Baby” (White Pepper) [28 pts]
“It’s Gonna Be a Long Night” (Quebec) [29 pts]
“Happy Colored Marbles” (Quebec) [29 pts]
“Zoloft” (Quebec) [29 pts]
“Chocolate Town” (Quebec) [29 pts]
“I Don’t Want it” (Quebec) [29 pts]
“If YOu Could Save Yourself (You’d Save Us All)” (Quebec) [29 pts]
“Transdermal Celebration” (Quebec) [29 pts]
“The Argus” (Quebec) [29 pts]
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Ask the da** band itself, there’s a novel idea (featured in the set list of at the Aragon/ March ’17, sorry this is my Chicago bias shining through here) [1]
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“The Blarney Stone” [22 pts]
“Pork Roll Egg and Cheese” [22 pts]
“Push th’ Little Daisies” [22 pts]
“Happy Colored Marbles” [22 pts]
“She Wanted to Leave” [22 pts]
“You Fu**ed up” [22 pts]
“Never Squeal” [22 pts]
“Homo Rainbow” [22 pts]
“Gabrielle” [22 pts]
“Captain Fantasy” [22 pts]
“Zoloft” [22 pts]
“Chocolate Town” [22 pts]
“Tried and True” [22 pts]
“Kim Smoltz” [22 pts]
“Stroker Ace” [22 pts]
“Tick” [22 pts]
“Dr. Rock” [22 pts]
“The Argus” [22 pts]
“The Stallion, pt. 3” [22 pts]
“Frank” [22 pts]
“Mango Woman” [22 pts]
“Papa Zit” [22 pts]
“I’ll Be Your Johnny on the Spot” [22 pts]
“Polka Dot Tail” [22 pts]
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Songs indexed alphabetically:
“Awesome Sound” 46
“A Tear for Eddie” 26
“Baby Bit**” 28/26 54
“Bananas and Blow” 15/10/15 40
“Big Fat Fu**” 22
“Birthday Boy” 26
“Boys Club” 22
“Buckingham Green” 15/15/25/27 82
“Buenos Tardes Amigo” 16/15 31
“Bumblebee” 21
“Captain Fantasy” 26/22 48
“Cold Blows the Wind” 46/27 73
“Cover it with Gas and Set it on Fire” 46
“Common Bit**” 15/21 36
“Chocolate Town” 29/22 51
“Demon Sweat” 46/25 71
“Don’t Get 2 Close (2 My Fantasy)” 24
“Don’t Laugh (I Love You)” 15
“Don’t Sh** where You Eat” 12
“Drifter in the Dark” 26
“Dr. Rock” 22
“Even if You Don’t” 15/28 43
“Exactly Where I’m at” 24/15 39
“Fat Lenny” 15
“Flutes of Chi” 15/25/28 68
“Frank” 25/22 47
“Freedom of ’76” 15/26 41
“Friends” 23
“Gabrielle” 25/22/22 69
“Happy Colored Marbles” 25/10/46/29/22 132
“Help Me Scrape the Mucus off My Brain” 20
“Hey Fatboy (A**hole) 24
“Homo Rainbow” 22
“I Can’t Put My Finger on it” 10
“Ice Castles” 28
“I Don’t Want it” 29
“I Fell in Love Today” 22
“If You Could Save Yourself (You’d Save Us All)” 29
“I’ll Be Your Johnny on the Spot” 22
“It’s Gonna Be a Long Night” 19/40/29 88
“It’s Gonna Be (Alright)” 18/25/27 70
“Kim Smoltz” 22
“L.M.L.Y.P.” 15/15/15/21 66
“Mango Woman” 22
“Mister, Would You Please Help My Pony?” 15/26 41
“Mononucleosis” 46
“Mr. Richard Smoker” 13/10 23
“Mutilated Lips” 30/10/25 65
“Never Squeal” 21/22 43
“Ocean Man” 29/27 56
“Pandy Fackler” 15/28 43
“Papa Zit” 22
“Pi** up a Rope” 21
“Polka Dot Tail” 22
“Pollo Asado” 46/25 71
“Poop Ship Destroyer” 15/24 39
“Pork Roll Egg and Cheese” 25/22 47
“Pu** th’ Little Daisies” 20/15/24/22 81
“Reggaejunkiejew” 46
“Roses are Free” 14/40/15/25 94
“Sarah” 24/26 50
“She F***s Me” 15/15 30
“She’s Your Baby” 28
“She Wanted to Leave” 22
“Sketches of Winkle” 25
“Someday” 22
“Sorry Charlie” 25
“Spinal Meningitis (Got Me down)” 15
“Stay Forever” 46/15/28 89
“Stroker Ace” 22
“Take Me away” 22/26 48
“Tastes Good on th’ Bun” 22
“The Argus” 29/22 51
“The Blarney Stone” 27/22 49
“The Going Gets Tough from the Getgo” 24
“The Golden Eel” 15
“The Grobe” 28
“The HIV Song” 15/15 30
“The Mollusk” 17/15 32
“The Stallion” 46/25/25/25 121
“The Stallion, pt. 3” 22
“Tick” 22
“Touch My Tooter” 24
“Transdermal Celebration” 25/29 54
“Tried and True” 46/22 68
“Voodoo Lady” 23/10/15 48
“Waving My Di** in the Wind” 27
“What Deaner Was Talking about” 11/15/26 52
“You Fu**ed up” 15/15/21/22 73
“Your Party” 25/23/26 74
“You Were the Fool” 25/20 45
“Zoloft” 29/22 51
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[1] Thanks to setlist.fm for this info.

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