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“2015: Year of the Pitchfork Johnny-Come-Lately Tramps”

For the love of God, can one girl writing for pitchfork complete a single project without mentioning GENDER? Really, I mean, I didn’t realize I’d enrolled in the Sarah Lawrence College of Arts and Sciences, and I don’t consider myself a particularly sexist person, I own every album by The Breeders and PJ Harvey, and every relevant album by Liz Phair… but what are they compared to Speedy Ortiz (the sharp should note the sarcasm here, thank you).

The thing really scratching my gizzard right now is that, it breaks my heart, but this new Lower Dens album just isn’t that good. It would be lucky to garner a 5 out of 10, if I were into doing those numerical rankings on this site, and what’s more JESUS CHRIST I LISTENED TO NOOTROPIC LIKE 50 TIMES AND THAT ALBUM IS A CLASSIC, I ranked in #7 of the year on DD, and 2012 was a pretty stiff year too, and Nootropics was LIKE Julia Holter! And I loved it! Goddamnit, goddamnit I loved it! I mean, “Lion in Winter pt. 2” to Holter’s “Fur Felix,” this was Annie Lennox-caliber pop for the ages, and I was dining on it several times a week, with parsley, lemon and all.
In general I’m noticing an egregious lack of respect for elders in these bland, crosseyed sandpaper-like pitchfork girls, obsessed with gender and having about as much fun writing as a person having a root canal. I mean, remember when people just rocked out, there were no “powerful, slippery emotions,” just classic pop hooks, and people could care less about the way you looked in the first place, let alone VIDEOS (this pitchfork girl starts one paragraph of her Escape from Evil review with an anecdote about “the video.” The VIDEO, for Christ’s sake.)
Nootropics needs videos like a rat needs a cell phone. And not only was it great, infectious and unforgettable when it was poppy, but the closeur “In the End is the Beginning” is an aural experience entirely indescribable, it’s actually galvanizing of new headway in what the rock album can accomplish. The only “powerful, slippery emotion” I feel listening to this new radio-friendly crap is that I want to grab the producer’s PBR and splash it in his face.

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